This blog post is the first installment of a collaborative 5-part series entitled The Mother Within.
“What is my purpose?”
I must ask myself this countless times a day. I know I must be good at something. Everyone has something they are good at, I’ve heard. I once listed out the things I felt I excelled out and came up with: Googling, reading, finding indie bands, dressing my kids, putting on makeup (on myself only), looking up various things on Google Earth and decorating my home.
SURELY there are real things that I have talent in. I just can’t for the life of me find what they are.
I have always felt that I was meant for great things. Even as a small girl I felt that I was meant for something wonderful. I was dead set on being Speaker of the House for a good five years of my life. I looked up to Newt Gingrich like the other little girls in my class looked up to teachers and nurses. Needless to say, my dream of being Speaker of the House fell by the wayside a long time ago.
I ask myself what my purpose is not because I am unfulfilled at home. This isn’t a question of my family not being good enough. This is about me, not them.
Simply put, I am not fulfilled in life.
I firmly believe that in order to have something change, you need to be happy where you are. But what if you aren’t? What if you have tried for years and just … aren’t? I have put my best foot forward for years and so far, nothing. I have changed jobs more often that I am comfortable with in order to chase down the happiness that I crave. I crash and burn every time.
Discouragement comes in waves. I feel less than, invalid and like a huge disappointment to myself in the most unhealthy of ways. Self-doubt and constant internal struggle is the norm for me and it shouldn’t be that way. I will never get through the day with a smile on my face feeling like that … which is why I am so desperate to find my niche. Pinning my hopes to whichever job I’m at isn’t going to get me anywhere.
What I seek isn’t coming to me in the form of a job or a new house or stuff. It will come to me when I build up enough courage to REALLY seek it out. It’s not waiting for me in a CraigsList want ad or at the end of a self-growth seminar.
Finding my purpose will require me to really look at myself. Make myself uncomfortable. Find out what I am all about. I need to know what I am made of.
I AM capable of greatness. I just haven’t taken the ceiling off of my own limits yet. I have short-changed myself for far too long. From here on out, I can’t do that anymore.
I still have no idea of what talents I possess, if any. I know I can make a pretty awesome wreath for our front door and I know I love writing, but the buck stops there. If I never find my talents, so be it. I will, however, find my own happiness. I will find that SOMETHING, whatever it is, that I am searching for.
“New year, new me.” Isn’t that what the kids are saying these days?