It’s that time of year, y’all! LSU’s first football game against Miami is less than a week away. And if you are anything like me, you have a superfan in your household or life that has already become consumed with it. Honestly, my husband never really takes a break from knowing too much about LSU football, even in the off-season, but the obsession really shifts into high gear around mid-summer. That is usually when Matt starts randomly declaring the daily countdown until the players report for fall practice and saying things like “I can’t wait to see who looks swole (wtf?!?) this year.”
I’ve been with my husband through eleven seasons, and I realized a long time ago that it is pointless to fight the LSU football obsession. Instead, I choose to embrace the crazy by asking questions and engaging him about it. It’s the least I can do for a guy who is kind enough to know that “Luann is the worst” (his phrasing, not mine) and laugh when I ask “Who gon’ check me, boo?” Just as he plays the role of the slightly interested, mostly amused husband of a Real Housewives superfan, I am happy to oblige with the same for my LSU superfan husband.
Over the years, I’ve developed a technique for translating what my husband says into usable knowledge, and I have decided to share the wealth with my fellow slightly interested, mostly amused significant others by presenting a crib sheet version of what your superfan cares about each week of the football season. Matt was more than happy to talk about LSU football (for the rest of eternity) and gave me about ten items of interest. I dozed off for a couple and saw a bunch of mathematical equations floating in the air for a few, but I was able to narrow it down to three talking points. Feel free to use them to have a conversation with your superfan that they will actually pay attention to this fall.
We have a new quarterback!
And it’s not the kid that played second string last year, Myles Brennan. (Annoying side note: Brennan was put on a crazy 10,000 calories per day diet to gain 20 pounds, but lost 20 pounds instead. Seriously?!? This is the kind of thing that makes it hard for me to have any sympathy towards men.) The new starting quarterback will most likely be a transfer from Ohio State named Joe Burrow. When I asked my husband to tell me about him, he got a far-off look in his eyes and compared him to Matt Flynn, the quarterback that led LSU to victory in the 2007 National Championship game. Don’t remember? Doesn’t matter. Your superfan will tell you about him. Here is a way to use this information in a sentence. “He doesn’t have a strong arm, but he’s accurate and can move around if he gets in trouble, similar to Matt Flynn’s style.”
Defensive Coordinator Coach Aranda is the only coach that superfans care about, not Head Coach Orgeron.
He has some kind of Jedi mind-trick ability to make all superfans swoon. (Seriously, his facial expression never changes.) According to my husband, not only is he the best defensive coach in college football, but he also hung the moon and rested on the seventh day. Want to make your superfan swoon? Try saying something like this, “It’s a good thing Aranda was finally able to get more scholarship linebackers on the defense. There were more kickers than linebackers on scholarship last year.” What does this mean? Who knows? But it will send your superfan into a long monologue about how Coach Aranda deserved every penny of his raise. “He’s a genius … (swoon, swoon) … We’d be lost without him … (swoon, swoon).”
It’s going to be a tough year.
Sports writers have predicted us to finish fifth in the SEC west. Translation: We are going to lose a lot. LSU has a hard schedule and most superfans are setting themselves up for one of the worst seasons we’ve seen in a long time. According to Matt, the first three games are really important and will determine the fate of the season. You can show off your newfound football knowledge with a statement like, “We have to beat Miami, or we don’t stand a chance of having more than eight wins this year.” Don’t lose hope, though. The same prediction could have been made for Luann at the start of this season of The Real Housewives of New York, but look how it ended. She’s a cabaret star! Oh wait … she’s back in rehab and her family is suing her. Never mind … now I’m worried.
This should get you through the first week of the season. I’ll be back next week to provide you with three things your superfan cares about the LSU vs. Southeastern Louisiana game. Until then, keep your heads up. There’s only four months (maybe five months … oh, and the spring game) of LSU football left. It will be over in no time.
Yours in solidarity,
The Slightly Interested, Mostly Amused Wife of a LSU Football Superfan